it’s the dog in you.

1. you didn’t have any kind of food to offer…just liquor. 

2. you didn’t offer to drop me off at work…a 10 minute drive.

3. you didn’t even get your triflin ass up and walk me to the door.

i never asked you for a red cent. i never asked to go out. i never asked you to buy me anything. i never asked you to step outside of your comfort zone for me. i never asked you to spoil me. i never asked you for flowers. i never asked you for clothes. i never asked you for one goddamn thing. one and a half years and i never asked you for anything…what’s worse is that you never even OFFERED anything. 

but then again…i realize that i didn’t ask (demand) these simple things of you. i assumed that you would have enough respect for me to just do them. i mean, you liked me, right? …i guess that was too much to ask. 

at the end of the day, even though i was feeling some type of way, i can’t get mad at anyone but myself…and this is the LAST time you will show me your true colors. i can’t ignore them anymore. so farewell. you clearly can’t see me for who i truly am and ergo, cannot act accordingly. damn shame though…because i know i’m a keeper. all i was asking was for you to recognize the same. 

i guess it’s just the dog in you.

i feel some type of way.

i can’t help it. and i can’t get over it. and i am trying to stay strong, but it’s hard. i feel so tiny and alone and scared and worried. and i can’t stop it. and i can’t express it. and i just want to run so far away. i can’t breathe. 

“People like me feel lost and little and ugly…and indispensable…
Every morning, I wake up and I fail. And I look around, and everybody seems to be pulling it off…but somehow I can’t…no matter how hard I try. Somehow…I’ll never be enough.” – rita; I am Sam.

velvet rope days.

i miss THIS Janet. she was so funky and cool and uninhibited…come back! plus, i adore this song <3

for my Lindsay…there’s a song for everything.

i was thinking about everything that’s going on with “the coach”…and this song just popped up on my shuffle. i think it fits. 

“In The End” – Linkin Park

(It starts with)
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know…

Shooting Stars.

So, I’m class. Multi-tasking as always. Smashing some Easy Mac, taking notes, listening, and writing miscellaneous things. But I can’t stop thinking about this event that took place before I got to BioPsych. It threw me off and was so unexpected that I still can’t believe it. And maybe I’m being a little dramatic, BUT STILL…On my way to class, I walked past a barber shop that I always pass. There are almost always men standing outside, unless it’s raining or something. And when I walk past, I almost always see their lips moving as they stare at me, but I always have my music as loud as possible so as to avoid any ignorant comments. Today, for some reason, my music was really low. A random man looked at me and said “Hey pretty lady. You look like a virgin.” I almost stopped in my tracks because I was just that shocked and completely disgusted. I still am. Here are some of the things running through my mind right now:

1. How gross.
2. How dare he say something like that to a complete stranger…and a woman, at that.
3. Where is the respect?
4. I could be your daughter/granddaughter; why in the world would you say something like that to me?
5. I actually am a virgin. But that is personal to me and completely irrelevant to you.
LASTLY:
6. What happened to all of the GOOD MEN?

Like seriously…I know I’m far off, but whatever happened to the Martin’s and the Nelson’s and the Malcolm’s and the Huey’s and the Frederick’s? And where are all the men like Obama? Where are all the men who are ABOUT SOMETHING?? Where are all the men who have goals, ambitions, plans, respect for women, and respect for themselves? And I’m not saying that these men had all of these qualities…but I’m pretty sure they had at least a few of them. And my GOOD MAN doesn’t even have to be black…But whatever happened to the Che Guevara’s and the JFK’s and so on and so forth…
All things considered, I really do think that I am a good woman. I am in school and I have plenty goals, hopes, and dreams that I WILL reach. I work to get the things I want and need. And although I can do the whole independent, modern woman thing, I will admit that I have been domesticated. I am true to myself, my values, and I try my best to stay true to my religion. And I’m a good person dammit! LOL And although he was completely rude, trifling, and disrespectful, that man was right…I do still have that V card. So my husband, my good great AMAZING man will get to have ALL of the bragging rights. But where the hell is this guy? Whatever happened to our shooting stars? Or do they only appear once in a lifetime?

crossroads.

I get the most exciting news, of which I can’t wait to share
You are the first person who I text,
because I just know that you will care
About an hour and a half goes by,
and now my anxiety is impossible to deny;
no matter how hard I try…
I can’t help but notice that you have yet to reply
I get in my bed and crawl under my covers with my phone
by my side
Maybe you didn’t get it or maybe you just don’t care…I cannot decide
Two hours later, I have counted hundreds of sheep,
and there is nothing left to do
I check my phone to no avail; there are still no
missed calls or texts from you 
I told myself that I would fall back,
not contacting you until you first contacted me
But two more sleepless hours later,
I still cannot believe
that I went against my word
that I opened myself up
and that I stepped out on the limb…once again
And rather than meeting me out there,
you left me hanging
and now I am closer than ever to the edge and to just giving up on you completely…
because i can’t fight this war alone, see…
I can’t do it all with just me. 
You know that I’m wrapped around your fingers, yet you continue
to string me along, 
while I keep singing the same old song,
deep in my heart, knowing that this is all wrong
And now I am fighting myself not to run away again.
Or is that what you want? 

worried sick.

because of my own stupid, foolish, careless decisions…something is going on. I KNOW it is. i’m hoping it’s just my guilty conscience but either way, i just want it go away…NOW. i’m not gonna lie; i’m scared, i’m anxious, i’m worried. and even though i prayed about it, i’m still terrified. i cannot shake this feeling. i can’t sleep. i can’t eat. i can’t focus. i just want this to disappear…whatever it is…

how much more stupid could i have been?